in silence

and i thought we were getting better. seems like i was dreaming or something. how could you say something so hurtful? i haven't even completely healed from the wound you left me few years back. the scar is still there. and now, you've added another blow to it.

i really thought we were making progress. slowly and steady. even without us uttering any words between each other, i really thought our feelings towards each other were mutual. i really thought, even we could never go back to last time, our relationship could be mended a little.

why must you do this to me again? i can't forgive you this time. if it is true you want to hate me, then go ahead. i can't be bothered anymore. i don't have the time or space in my heart to let this eat me up inside again. i am already burdened by so many stuff, can't you see? maybe you're blinded by your refusal to take a good look at me.

all you see is the bad side and never the good side of me. i believe i have good qualities to me. just why can't you see any of them? do you know how my heart breaks? do you know how my heart weeps? do you know how my heart bleeds? do you know...?

the first time, i thought you just said it out of rage. i hurted. couldn't really forgive you but i tried my best to throw it to the back of my mind. now, again you've said the same things. i am now sure you meant it the first time as well. i can't even cry out because i'm too heartbroken.

you didn't even notice me sighing so much these past week. you didn't even notice how suffocated i am, how much i wanna run away and scream my lungs out, how much i need someone to turn to. all i can do is suffer in silence. that's why i keep sighing. but did you notice any of that?

to you i'm such a bastard, then i have nothing more to say. if you don't wanna look at me, if even the thought of you looking at me disgusts you, then stop looking at me, as you did since years ago. i have never been the apple of your eye, now i know i never will. i cried years ago, i don't have the strength to cry now.

from now onwards, you go your way, and i'll go mine.

heartbroken,

bell-pepper

still, i can't help but cry.